Something for me

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know." - Hemingway

Two weeks ago was Mother's Day. It was my first Mother's day without my boys. And while I felt a little bit empty I wasn't sad or upset. In fact I felt good as a mom.  The reason why my young adult son's were not with me was because they had commitments. Commitments that are a part of their lives, their dreams, their passions. As a mom that's what I want for my boys. I want them not to be afraid to follow their dreams. To trust that inner guide which is their true north. To be who they are.

As parents we try to practice what we preach. One of the first questions we get regarding the transition is "How are the boy's handling this?". I'm always amused by this because I think the people who ask this are waiting for some kind of sob story. For some kind of fallout.  What has happened instead is that the boys see their father following her true north. To persevere and have faith to be who she is. It gives them permission to do the same. And they have.

My gift on Mother's Day was for me to realize that I too can follow my own dreams, my own goals, my true inner north. This has been a time of major changes and questions as to who I am. My own identity felt askew. It has taken some work on my part to ride this roller coaster and not lose who I am along the way. So I thought it out and asked myself,  "if I could do anything what would I want to do? What to I want to be? What is that inner guide trying to tell me?"

The answer came immediately. I want to be a writer. And I want to write. I want to write about the serious and the silly. Big things, small things, everyday things. I want to write about it all.

This blog has given me so much joy, reflection and courage. Courage to put the thoughts that swim around in my head into some kind of order. A place to put the ups and downs and everything in between. A place to meet you and you to meet me.  I am not alone here.

I have also started another blog, And Lucy Writes! A place for me to dabble in some creative writing. A place to practice and learn the craft. A place to have fun. A place that is mine.

It was a perfect Mother's Day.

Today I'm joining the gang over at The EO for Just Write! Stop over there and join us!

Something that fits

Change sometimes means letting go, acceptance and then doing something new. Something different. Something that works.

During Diana's early transition, a time when I was watching Scott slowly disappear, the ideals I had for my marriage was changing. I was going from wife and husband to wife and wife. It was the same marriage but different. Things like seeing her name now on the bank checks above my name instead of his. Having mail delivered to "Diana" rather than "Scott".

One day I had gone to get myself a manicure. I had taken off my wedding rings and slipped them in my purse for safe-keeping. A simple diamond engagement ring and a single gold band. A perfect symbol of how young we were. Fresh out of college, Scott spent his first real paycheck on my engagement ring. He picked out the jeweler because he had a coupon for $200 off. $200 that we later spent at the mall for our wedding bands. As the years passed as husband and wife I loved my rings. I loved the traditional simplicity.  I never contemplated "upgrading" to something fancier and flashier.

After my manicure I found that I couldn't put the rings back on. It didn't feel right. The rings represented my marriage to Scott as I knew it and it had changed. Taking them off did not mean the marriage was over. Far from that... I just didn't know what it looked like and it certainly wasn't simple. Nor very traditional.   It was too confusing to wear them while letting go and accepting.  The rings no longer fit.  Scott had long since stopped wearing his wedding band. Too masculine I guessed.

Over time I was getting used to being Diana's partner, rather than Scott's wife. I was ready to let go, accept and do something new. I was feeling incomplete without a ring. Diana and I talked about it and we were ready to get new rings. Rings that symbolized us as we are today. Our cruise was the perfect setting to get new rings. We had arrived in St. Thomas, VI and picked that day to get new rings. In the pouring rain we hopped from one shop to another. Dodging both raindrops and store clerks cajoling us inscessently to take a look. We looked at a lot of rings. Shook our heads no until we spotted them. The perfect rings. We tried on ruby rings surrounded by diamonds. Something not traditional. Something with deep quality that is impossible to break. Something still simple. Something perfect.

I slipped her ring on her, she slipped mine on me. We then celebrated us with an island lunch sitting under a covered deck watching the tropical rain fall. It was perfect.

Today I wear my ring with love.

And my simple traditional diamond ring is put away for now. It has a special place in my life and will find it's place somehow. Who knows... maybe I'll give it to one of my son's when they are ready to pop the question. It'll save them a paycheck!

A picture to develop

At times  I find myself in a fog, a thick murky curtain of wondering.  Waiting for my life of blurriness to focus into a clear picture.

It's the same waiting feeling I had as a kid after my dad would snap a photo of me with his instant Polaroid. I would stand next to him waiting to see what would appear on the card he kept waving around.He had me believing that waving the card would make the picture come faster. My ten year old fidgety self would hop around my dad in circles as he would  fan the air with the card sending a faint chemical smell into the breeze . A lifetime of thirty seconds would go by and together we huddled over the card and watched. We watched the vague blurriness focus into a picture I recognized.

I have days of waiting, wondering. Being swept in the air as my life develops into a clear picture. I find my fifty year old self hopping around in circles.

Together Diana and I huddle together and wait as our blurry life to focus into a life we acknowledge as our own.

The core of us.

 It's been exactly a year since Diana started coming out to the world. A year ago when the long goodbye of Scott started and the long hello of Diana emerged. His body morphed into hers. Gillette Fusion  gave way to  Gillette Venus. Ice hockey skates were put away permanently and the high heels came out of hiding for good.

Every day seems like more change. Change in music. Change in favorite foods. Change in mood.

Change changes everything but one thing. The core. The heart of the matter. The inner essence.

Diana. Scott. He. She. Husband. Wife. None of this changes the center of our marriage. Our unshakable core of love where seeds of compassion, understanding and loyalty are constantly spread through out our world hoping to sprout into more of the same. Sometimes bought to the grace of fruition and sometimes left untended to wither away.

We will go on. We will keep changing. We have to in order to keep growing. Together we will grow and change. Together we will protect our inner core. Our unshakable love for each other.

"Every single thing changes and is changing always in this world.  Yet with the same light the moon goes on shining."  ~Saigyo

Todays post inspired by...

The ground shook.

I live in earthquake country. Every now and then the earth will hiccup, windows shake and nerves start to rattle. I'm not a California native and at first, to this East Coaster I didn't really see what the big deal was. The earth would move from time to time, the news programs breaking in to report how big the quake was and where it was centered and people around me asking each other "whoa did you feel that?". And to me it felt no different then standing on a subway platform as the train is rumbling into the station.

Then the big one hit. October 1989. The ground shook and shook. Cabinet doors thrown open and glassware falling to the floor. Pictures being knocked off the wall. The road outside rippling like the surface of a pond after one throws a rock into it. For 15 seconds I was being tossed about. And I held on.

Afterwards we picked everything up. Fixed what was broken. Made the home a little bit safer for the next one. The ground kept shaking for a long time. Weeks. And every time, with the lump of fear in my throat, I held on.

That was over 20 years ago.

The past year feels the same way. My earth shook and while I've rocked and rolled through life up to this point, Diana's transition has been my big one. I've been tossed about and knocked over.

And since then together we've been picking up the pieces, re-arranging things and riding through the after-shocks. The aftershocks of telling family, friends and colleagues. Other aftershocks that come without warning.

The past couple of weeks the ground has been still. The after shocks seemed to have stopped and the tremors are slight. I've been home enjoying my time without that lump of fear. I'm enjoying my time away from the stress of the job. I'm enjoying my time with Diana.

The ground will shake. That's a given. And it is frightening especially when over and over again we are reminded that the "BIG" one is coming. It'll happen again yet I think that we will rock and roll just fine.

A huge decision...

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James

A month ago I made a huge decision. I resigned from my job as a 911 police dispatcher. It was by far one of the hardest decisions I ever made. One that took a lot of thought because I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing for myself. That was the difficult part... doing the right thing for myself because I kept thinking about everyone else.

Yet this one time I had to think about myself and make a decision right for me.

This past year has taught me a lot. And I mean A LOT! One thing I learned is that stress will mess with your mind, body and soul. My job required a lot of stress. I knew that when I got into EMS services nearly 20 years ago. Yet for me it was good stress. Well not really good but I was good at it. I was very comfortable in chaos and was always able to do my job well. I took a lot of pride in that. Yet this past year the overall stress in my life became too great. My job became hard and I was watching my skills slip. My kind of job requires nearly 100% and I didn't have that left to give. And that is a hard thing to look at and acknowledge.

I loved my career and I have had an opportunity to do a lot of things. I was trained as a hostage negotiator (handy skills when raising teenage boys),  attended many conferences, received accolades  and had the pleasure of  teaching and training new dispatchers.

Along the way I found a passion for peer support. Peer support is reaching out to fellow dispatchers, police officers and other emergency personnel during the really crummy times. We see and deal with a side of life most of this world doesn't. It hurts at times. My mantra was "the vest you are wearing may protect your heart from a bullet yet it doesn't stop the heart from breaking". I was the one they could trust to talk to. To cry to. To yell at. To pray with. To eventually be able to go back out there and do it again the next day.  I wasn't out there in the trenches with them but I saw what it does to them. I've seen their hearts broken. I've heard the anger and frustration in their voice over the radio. And I also seen the triumph in team effort and a job well done. It was a pretty special feeling to be a part of that.

As a police dispatcher I did everything in my power, every moment of my shift, to get those men and women in blue home safely to their families. Both physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm not God by any means, yet I did all I could. A good day is when everyone gets to go home.

For me I had my moments. I got angry at the world. I had my moments of horror and sadness and that overall feeling of powerlessness. It really really sucked at times. Yet what got me through was knowing that none of what I heard or saw was  of my own doing. My job was to simply help. To keep a calm voice on the radio and on the phone.  My part was to try and make it better. And that's what I focused on when it got too overwhelming. To just try and make it a little bit better.

Did I make a difference?

I know I did. I can honestly look back at some of the moments in my career that will always stand out. Moments that I'm proud of. Moments that I treasure. Moments that are mine to keep forever. One can't put their heart and soul into this career without making a difference. It's impossible. It's what keeps us going.

One of the hardest things to do is to walk away from a good thing. Even harder though is going to work and knowing I wasn't 100%. Yet in the end it is okay. I had the best career at a department that I can truly call my family, one that I will always be a part of. A department that took good care of me and supported everything I have done. A very special place. And I'll still be sought out as the girl they can talk to over a cup of coffee.

Most of all, I made a decision for myself.

To my PD family..... I love every single one of you. Be safe and Godspeed.


Thank you Shell for the opportunity to let me Pour My Heart Out!

My sons

You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.  And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.  

~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

My sons are truly my heros. I could not have done any of this without their love and support. 

I am saving a special day to talk about them in the near future but for today I'm going to publish the following post that I wrote late last year as a writing exercise....

I was challenged to write about 10 lessons my kids could teach me. I was all set to do something kinda humorous about how to live in a single bedroom for days at a time surviving only on a bag of Doritos and a case of soda. Or how about the top best excuses as to why there is a huge dent on the side of the car. As I gave it more thought I realized that my sons, who are now young adults, have given me many lessons on life. Lessons on how to be a decent human being. This is what my kids have taught me.

1. It's okay to be right even if it is not the popular thing to do.

My kids have definitely broken some rules but never because they buckled under peer pressure. If the DMV says that you can't have anyone in your car while you have a provisional drivers license then no one else can be in the car. It's okay to go to the chick flick with your date if that what she wants to do.  Under no circumstances is it okay to drink and drive. And my favorite...it's okay to hang out with your mom.

2. Be kind.

Be kind to everyone and everything. Don't hit. Don't make fun of.  If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything. Smile and be gentle.

3. Don't let a bad day get the best of you.

We all have bad days...the kind where nothing goes right. The kind of day that starts with locking the keys in the car, having the computer crash, loading up the washing machine and finding no soap, etc. On these kind of days my sons just simply roll with it. They deal with each bummer move one at a time. Luckily these days don't happen very often but when they do its water off their back.

4. Have fun and laugh a lot. 

My kids truly believe in humor. Good fun humor. Nothing that would ever harm anyone and the only person they laugh at is themselves. And they do that a lot! I could go on and on with their antics but one example is this...

My older son gave my younger son a horse mask for his birthday last year. We happened to be celebrating birthdays on a family cruise when he got this present. Needless to say there were quite a few laughs watching my son walk around the ship with the mask on. To see the other passengers reactions was hysterical. I was told recently that they drove down the freeway with my son sticking his head out of the car window with the mask on. Just like real horses do.  Can you imagine driving along side that?!

5. Don't be afraid to try new things.

Over the years they have rock climbed, gone kayaking and zip-lined. They have played badminton, lacrosse and rugby. They learned how to play chess. One son even picked up knitting. They go to art museums.

6. Be nice to your mother.

She is the only one you have. I can see how they are patient with me, they don't snap at me and they treat me with respect. They remind me that I should do the same with my own mother.

7. Have a strict "no family as friends" on Facebook.

While this might sound a little hypocritical to #6 it's actually a good thing. I admit I was a little bit hurt when my kids de-friended me. They explained to me its just so not cool to have your Mom, Grandma, and Uncle Danny making goofy comments for all their friends to see. I have to admit they are right. And trust me... you do not want to see any party pics that might pop up when someone tags them. The only exception to this rule is that it's okay to friend your brother. That's it.

8. Family traditions are important.

The traditions that we all start when the kids are little are just as important twenty years later. If you put carrots out and made Santa footprints with baby powder coming out of the fireplace  be ready to keep that up every year at Christmas.  Keep hanging the kindergarten made ornaments. Everybody still gets an Easter basket. Pumpkin pie is still made from scratch. And speaking of pie one family tradition we started... we have pie on March 14 because it's "pi day 3.14159". Yes we are geeks!

9. Don't eat crap.

My boys will no longer eat at Mcdonalds or Burger King or any other fast food restaurant. They are appalled when I do and then proceed to read off the (un)nutritional value of each item I'm eating. If they eat out it has to be at a sit down place. As a result they cook for themselves a lot. They are becoming quite creative in the kitchen and can whip up a decent meal.

10. Travel

They believe in seeing the world. They will hop in the car and go on road trips at the spur of the moment. They each have been to Europe, Canada, Iceland and Mexico. They love to explore new cities. Life should be an adventure.

11. Have an open mind and respect others beliefs.

Every body has a right to believe in their own  beliefs. It's important to accept that. Unfortunately I was not raised that way at all. My open mind comes from them. They accept everybody for who they are. They truly believe that every one has the right to be themselves. It is truly a gift to learn this lesson from them. What a world this would be if everyone accepted each other for who they are.